What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Do snipers lay on top of tank turrets during combat?

As i do to all so called friends.?

My mum and dad in the seventies!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

She loved him until the end.

Ive learnt so much.

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She was in good health!

Was to survive, this bastard.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

☆ what's the thing that made u fell in love with your bias?

When she asked me how she looked .

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

What song are you listening to right now? What does it mean to you?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I could never make a relationship work though!

We all went to grammer schools

What are some sex stories from your college days?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I waited trembling.

Is the Shia claim true that Imam Ali was born inside the Kaaba?

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

What was your best sex experience that still makes you horny?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

—— which songs do certain kuorans remind you of?

(And it was in our own minds.)

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

What is the most peculiar thing about the human brain?

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

My family never makes their pension either.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Put me off passion for life!!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I was 9 years of age.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I never cut or harmed myself..

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She married twice! .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I write beautiful poetry .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

What did i know ?

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I said to her

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I was scared of men, in general

And i lived it daily.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

So whats the point in blame.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

We were not on the streets..

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I will be 64.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

She found it foreign!.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

But, we were locked up after school.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

This is soul school!.

I was seconnd youngest,

Who then, do I blame.?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

She wouldn,t have been !

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I think the readers, may guess!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Especially a lifetime of it.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Im still living with it.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

One cannot live in the past .

I was very sick at this time too.

So, i spoilt her more .

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

But it wasn’t much.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Why did i forgive my father ?

I don,t even have a pension.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

All the time i was locked up.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I have no regrets .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

He knew the spot.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I couldn’t, believe it.

My life is so biszare .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

He resisted the act ,that day.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Would this be the day?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

It was going to be , some day.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Comes on , in middle age.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)